*Before I start:
No, I’m not angry.
No, I’m not afraid.
No, you will not convince me otherwise, so don’t try. Unless you want to frustrate yourself.
Also, I’m not trying to convince anyone that their beliefs are wrong. Believe what you want to believe.*
I’m gonna be blunt here: I don’t believe in the concept of “god”. The very idea that some mystical being created this world and everything on it, and has a “master plan”, sounds like a load of rubbish to me.
When I was little, my mom and dad were both pretty spiritual. My mom went to church (I don’t remember what my dad did), and she even read the bible to me and my sister. I think my sister really believed it, but to me, it was like any other weird children’s story book.
To me, things like “god” and “religion” simply don’t affect any aspect of my life. I wake up, eat, go to school, do homework, paint, play piano/erhu, etc, eat, sleep, and repeat. I think about morality, life, the beauty of nature, and so on, and base my decisions on what I think would be the right thing to do as a human being. In no way does the thought “Hmm, what does the magical man in the sky want me to do?” pop into my head and propel me to do good deeds. My desire for my existence to have a beneficial impact on this world do not stem from fear of a higher being, it stems from basic human decency and sympathy.
I need empirical evidence to believe things, and there’s just too much bulls**t and inconsistencies involved in religion to sway me.
It’s quite bad of me, but over the short (17-ish) years of my life, I’ve begun to associate religion with weakness. To me, it seems it only emerged to console humans centuries ago that were afraid of the unknown, humans that couldn’t explain things like sickness and death. As soon as immediate needs like food and shelter are settled, one would probably start to think about things like “why?” and “how?”… and when you don’t know the answers, wouldn’t it be convenient if there was something that would cover it all? The questions people had so many years ago are being answered in droves now, thanks to science.
When someone feels alone in the world, what’s the simplest way to get through it and feel better? How about coddling yourself in a cocoon of “no matter what I do, god will love me”?
I’m not saying that believing in a religion or god is inherently bad, per se, but I think a whole whack of other crazy stuff gets mixed in that is harmful. I definitely think the negatives of religion outweigh the benefits, especially because the benefits of religion can be achieved through other means (like being morally good because you are a person and citizen of the world, instead of because the big dude up there says so or else you burn in a fiery hell.)
"Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions." - Blaise Pascal
In addition, arguably something that every human being goes through is the search for meaning. Why are we alive? Why do we exist? What’s the point? Is it so frightening for there not to be some grandiose meaning to everything? Could life not just be some sort of cosmic joke, just one huge coincidence? I think for some people the possibility of something like that would not be enough to satisfy them, because humans are so self-important. I don’t think there needs to be a use for us… It’s probably just what also propels other animals.
I do think there is much to benefit from being in harmony with nature and the world around us however, I just don’t think religion is necessary to go about it.
Anyways, these are just some thoughts I’ve been having since forever. It’s definitely not written as thoroughly as I’d like, but I just typed it out really quickly, so maybe I’ll add to this in another post. By the way, I think it’s perfectly fine for someone to be religious. I’m not hating… it takes a lot of faith to believe in something like that. (which I can respect. Ironic?)
Things I think are illogical:
+ I think as science chips away at humanity’s lack of understanding, religion will unravel at its seams.
Anonymous asked: what water colours do you use to paint?
For the pieces that I posted recently, I used Yarka’s 8-pan set. They cost $3.95 at Curry’s (x). I’m not sure if I should recommend them… I like using them, but it’s mostly because I’ve gotten used to handling them (and they’re dirt cheap.) If you use them too thickly, they dry shiny. They’re also student-quality, so they may fade.
February is a really busy month performance-wise. There are so many Chinese New Years events that we go to (there’ll be 5 this month…). Last Sunday the ensemble missioned to Missisauga to perform for a buddhist charity organization event. I think we performed for them last year as well, except in Oakville. It was honestly so tiring… I really need to get more sleep.
I didn’t take my DSLR with me to this performance, but I did take some pictures with my cellphone!
The place we performed at. I didn’t take pictures of the outside of the centre because we parked underground, and I wasn’t about to go outside (do you see a pattern?) just to take one when we had stuff to do. It reminded me of a larger, better funded Harbourfront Centre hahaha.
Those red double doors led to the stage. The building had a bunch of theaters of varying sizes. I guess in addition to community stuff, they also have commercial shows?
This time we had an actual dressing room. We had the option of getting a bigger one that was in the basement, but we ended up in this small one because it was closest to the stage (so it would be easier to move the zithers around.) As you can see, the first thing I did was plop all of my stuff down and claim a chair.
Blindingly bright lights…
Here’s a picture of me and Emily in our cutie performance clothes LOL. I prefer this gold shirt over the pink one from the last performance. I never really got into pink, I think it’s such a hideous colour (baby pink is okay sometimes though.)
Usually we have a makeup artist and hair stylist for performances, but this time the girls had to sort it out themselves. Getting my hair done is probably the most painful thing I have ever experienced.. When we went to Taiwan to perform, when the lady did my hair, tears involuntarily came out of my eyes because of how much it hurt. It probably hurt more because my hair was pretty short, and we had to maneuver it into an updo somehow. Thus I was really happy to do my hair/makeup myself. I tried just leaving my hair without doing anything but I ended up having to pin it back because I looked like the grudge while performing LOL.
We performed once at around 12 and again at 4, so we were treated to some vegetarian food for lunch. I’ve had variations of this kind of food so many times now on performance days because I think buddhists aren’t supposed to eat meat? I get a really nostalgic feeling when I eat it because I am reminded of the Taiwan trip we went on. A lot of the food we ate in Taiwan had a similar flavour palette. I think I associate scents/taste with memories often, so things like this are like a punch to the gut.
Kudos to you if you can tell what this picture is of haha. I tried taking a picture of the stage from the side but it was so dark… See if you can make out our sheet music/seats and the theatre seats LOL.
As expected, things get messy very quickly in the dressing room. I think at every performance someone forgets something. So far I haven’t lost anything, but apparently last year someone actually left their boots at a performance?! I wonder how that even happened, how does one forget their own shoes? It seems like you’d notice what was on/off of your feet if you had to walk anywhere.
After the performance I fell asleep on the car ride back. I swear I’m like a little baby, the motion of the car + exhaustion puts me to sleep instantly. That evening I also went to eat at a buffet with a family friend. Eating at buffets makes me sad, because I want to eat *everything* but it doesn’t physically fit in my stomach. I have to ration myself and only eat a bit of everything in order to fit most things in. The above plate probably looks like the saddest thing ever, but don’t worry, it was the 3rd plate in after 2 completely full ones (that were piled on). I always end up feeling like crap because I ate too much and then resign myself to looking longingly at the buffet tables LOL.
??? Seems like an okay idea to end off with a selfie LOL.
Since I cut my hair to chin-length last September, whenever I think about my hair I still think it’s “short hair”. But if I actually look at it, it has long since passed medium and is basically long hair again… It’s so strange, my brain hasn’t gotten used to it yet.
School is okay, I really miss having more science courses though. I only have calculus really to worry about, and for the rest of the day I quietly mourn as my brain rots from not having enough stimulation. I miss physics the most I think, and chemistry (but I did gr12 chem in grade 11 so it’s really been a while.) I’m just chugging along for now.
I don’t know how so many teenagers are okay with relying on their parents to buy them clothes/games/etc. Whenever my parents try giving me money I feel this gut-wrenching guilt go through my body. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive but it feels so wrong to have money that I didn’t earn. I don’t like buying clothes and I already have more than enough art supplies, so whenever they give me money I just kinda stare at it awkwardly and think about the hours my mom had to work to earn it. I keep it until I end up using it to buy gifts for other people or my parents. I’m very aware of the money my parents have spent on me for piano/erhu lessons, plane tickets, food, shelter, etc… so it seems so unreasonable for me to get things for superfluous reasons.
Actually, whenever anyone tries giving me things/buying me things it makes me feel really uneasy. When I go out, and a guy tries to pay for me, I get so uncomfortable it’s ridiculous. I don’t have too much money saved up myself (that I would want to spend), so I would prefer just not going out all at to spare myself. Plus, I am a homebody so that attributes to it as well LOL.
I think money plays such a huge role in our society, and so the implications involved in having more money or less money really freak me out. I don’t want to feel indebted to someone, nor do I think I’ve done anything worthy enough for others to give me things? (Obviously commissions are different.) Also, the social dynamic of being the worker in a situation in which money must be earned from corporations and then returned to those corporations in order to survive really, really freaks me out. Money seems like such an evil thing to me…
Whoops inner socialist/communist/??? coming out?! Ok -end post-
modern art blah
rough work blah
I don’t want to become an artist
*I am an artist
I just don’t want to go to art school