Fragment (viii – affairs)

There’s something exquisite about knowing there’ll be an end. With beginning and end determined, we are left to savour the journey, the scenery on a ride heading to its inevitable stop. With no anxieties about the future, we simply exist. Treating the time between like a drop of candy – short, brief, intense, sweet. A feeling that is almost sublime.

Fragment (vii – stories)

As we discover truths, work out things about ourselves and the world, we do so with the yearning for conclusion. The way the pieces fit together, the end to the means, the ending of the story.

But more often than not, there is no neat resolution. Narratives trail off and fade into nothing.

We are left with directionless bits and pieces, confusion and tired thirst.

The trouble with growing up (recap, hindsight, an attempt to make sense of it all)

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My writings and sketchbook pages for the past couple months have all overwhelmingly been centered around understanding. The past ~3-4 years, my motivations, the world — it’s become somewhat of an obsession to try and put the pieces together and solve the ‘puzzle’. It’s only natural to try and figure out what has happened to you after the fact, after the fog has cleared enough for you to see what remains.

One thing that I have realized is that growing up is really fucking hard. When you’re a small child, most of what you’re exposed to is fluffy, safe stuff. And then when you go through middle school and high school, all the unsavoury aspects of humanity and the world start to show themselves, and it’s so much to take in. When I was in middle school I thought I knew it all, I was irritatingly cynical but honestly I didn’t know shit. It all seemed so clear to me, everything was in their respective categories and boundaries and that’s where they stayed. Now I realize that nothing is that simple, the world is just a swirling mass of grey. The more I learn, the more I realize that there’s so much more to learn out there. The days when questions could be answered with simple ‘yes’s and ‘no’s are quickly passing. What the fuck is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’!? You can’t live in a state of absolutes anymore, it just doesn’t work that way.

The challenge  now is to reconcile everything, the paradoxical everything that makes up our world. They’re all like you, yet still unlike you. They’ll do this, when they mean that. There is incredible beauty, but also incredible sadness. You cannot possibly survive by caring completely, you’ll get crushed by the inevitable negatives. The question is: to what degree of apathy can I operate on, but still remain passionate and alive?

Everything is about balance, but I don’t know if that’s something one possesses inherently, or if it’s something that can be learned. In some ways depression was just the easiest way to go.  It was a knee jerk reaction to a reality I didn’t want to accept, the wild thrashings of an animal realizing belatedly that it was trapped. (I suppose it’s kind of like having your immune system mistakenly attack it’s own body, instead of the foreign substance.) By the time I noticed, it was too late. Reality moves in slowly and then it reveals itself all at once, leaving you with no room to run away. You’re surrounded, cornered by something impossible to reject except through death. (And I’m not the type to give up.)

Today I realized that in trying to figure all of this out, I had been relying on absolutes again. The urge to categorize is so strong… but of course it doesn’t work like that. Not even a Venn diagram would work, a mess just remains a mess.

I don’t even know if any of this makes sense for whoever’s reading it LOL.

I’m being purposely very vague about the concepts I’m struggling with because the idea of explicitly writing them out freaks me out like no other. It makes it too real I guess. (haha)